Judge Rotenberg Center Help Wanted Ad
Ability to tell creative stories. No, sorry, the Judge Rotenberg Center isn't looking for kindhearted staff who enjoy telling bedtime stories to the kiddies. The sort of creativity that's needed here is a talent for inventing plausible explanations for injuries, such as claiming that burns from electrodes all over a child's body were caused by medical conditions. Staff at the Judge Rotenberg Center must also be able to repeat the Big Lie with a straight face, that is, the claim that electric shocks are necessary to prevent severely disturbed youths from maiming themselves through self-injury. Pathological liars are strongly encouraged to apply, as this whopper of a story is becoming much harder to tell now that the mainstream media are reporting the truth. (For example, as reported by the Boston Herald, Antwone Nicholson, a teenager whose mother has filed a lawsuit against the school district that was responsible for sending him to the Judge Rotenberg Center, was routinely shocked whenever he swore or did not cooperate.)
Math skills helpful. It appears that some of the creative storytellers at the Judge Rotenberg Center are a tad mathematically impaired. They're claiming that Antwone Nicholson had 5,000 violent episodes a week before they started shocking him. Let's get out our calculators, readers. There are 10,080 minutes in a week. That means the kid would've needed to have a "violent episode" every two minutes, around the clock, for an entire week, without ever stopping to eat, sleep, use the toilet, et cetera. No matter how creatively a "violent episode" may be defined, we're getting into the realm of mathematical impossibility here. (But hey, what's a little perjury and evidence tampering among friends, right?)
Not easily flustered. By bothersome little annoyances like children screaming in extreme pain, tort lawsuits, child abuse investigations, the occasional homicide investigation... heck, it's just another day at the ol' ball yard.
Equal opportunity employer. Male, female, any race, color, creed or national origin are welcome to apply. (No need to mention the disabled. They're not people, are they?)
Preference for veterans. Extra bonus points on the application will be given to those who have experience interrogating prisoners at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay.
And the most essential qualification for a job at the Judge Rotenberg Center?
Total lack of human decency.