MOST EXALTED REVEREND: Hallelujah, amen, welcome all ye righteous brethren and sisters to the Curebie Church of Everlasting Conformity. If ye have faith as a mustard seed, ye shall say to an autistic child, "Be thou cured," and that child shall sprout wool and hooves, yea, verily, and shall become a perfect bleating sheep, indistinguishable from the flock. (Mustard seeds available at very reasonable discount prices from our friendly neighborhood DAN! practitioner after the service. Praise the Lord!)
CHILD: That's not a sheep! It's a boy with wool glued all over him.
MOTHER: Shh! Shh!
Enter Deacon JBjr, holding the collection plate.
DEACON JBjr: ALA is God! There is no God but ALA! Bow humbly before the sacred altar on which standeth the holy bottles of common dietary supplements! Empty thine pockets into the collection plate! Amen!
CHILD: The Most Exalted Reverend has no clothes.
MOTHER: Say "baa," or I'll have to chelate you again.
Enter a Snake Handler, carrying a cage full of rattlesnakes.
SNAKE HANDLER: Yea, though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, chelation will not harm us, if only we have faith! Pick up a rattlesnake and be saved by the power of God!
DEACON JBjr: You mean ALA.
SNAKE HANDLER: Whatever.
CHILD: What is the Most Exalted Reverend doing with that worshipper who dropped his pants and bent over?
MOTHER: That's enough, young man! I'm giving you a shot of Lupron when we get home!
Enter the High Inquisitor, garbed as an Opus Dei penitent, holding a bloodstained whip.
HIGH INQUISITOR: The earth is flat! Evolution is an atheist plot! Autism is caused by alien transporter devices beaming mercury into our brains, hence we must wear our tinfoil beanies at all times! Any heretic who speaketh the evil words "scientific proof" shall be burned at the stake forthwith!
MOTHER: (Pats child on head) You mean "baa," dear.
MOST EXALTED REVEREND: Let us all turn to page 666 in our hymnals and bleat together in brotherly love.
CONGREGATION: Baa! Baa! Baa!