Whose Planet Is It Anyway?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Getting Religion

Enter the Most Exalted Reverend, stage left.

MOST EXALTED REVEREND: Hallelujah, amen, welcome all ye righteous brethren and sisters to the Curebie Church of Everlasting Conformity. If ye have faith as a mustard seed, ye shall say to an autistic child, "Be thou cured," and that child shall sprout wool and hooves, yea, verily, and shall become a perfect bleating sheep, indistinguishable from the flock. (Mustard seeds available at very reasonable discount prices from our friendly neighborhood DAN! practitioner after the service. Praise the Lord!)

CHILD: That's not a sheep! It's a boy with wool glued all over him.

MOTHER: Shh! Shh!

Enter Deacon JBjr, holding the collection plate.

DEACON JBjr: ALA is God! There is no God but ALA! Bow humbly before the sacred altar on which standeth the holy bottles of common dietary supplements! Empty thine pockets into the collection plate! Amen!

CHILD: The Most Exalted Reverend has no clothes.

MOTHER: Say "baa," or I'll have to chelate you again.

Enter a Snake Handler, carrying a cage full of rattlesnakes.

SNAKE HANDLER: Yea, though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, chelation will not harm us, if only we have faith! Pick up a rattlesnake and be saved by the power of God!

DEACON JBjr: You mean ALA.


CHILD: What is the Most Exalted Reverend doing with that worshipper who dropped his pants and bent over?

MOTHER: That's enough, young man! I'm giving you a shot of Lupron when we get home!

Enter the High Inquisitor, garbed as an Opus Dei penitent, holding a bloodstained whip.

HIGH INQUISITOR: The earth is flat! Evolution is an atheist plot! Autism is caused by alien transporter devices beaming mercury into our brains, hence we must wear our tinfoil beanies at all times! Any heretic who speaketh the evil words "scientific proof" shall be burned at the stake forthwith!


MOTHER: (Pats child on head) You mean "baa," dear.

MOST EXALTED REVEREND: Let us all turn to page 666 in our hymnals and bleat together in brotherly love.


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  • Ewe can't pull the wool over our eyes. We're being fleeced! Praise be ALA, to believe is ovine. Baaa...

    By Blogger notmercury, at 5:14 PM  

  • DEACON JBjr: ALA is God! There is no God but ALA!


    By Blogger Joseph, at 6:30 PM  

  • I was wrong, Bitch. ALA won't help you. You're way too far gone.

    By Blogger Fore Sam, at 6:34 PM  

  • Fore Sam: I was wrong, Bitch. ALA won't help you. You're way too far gone.

    But she has ALA in her. We all have ALA within us. Your ALA is my ALA. ALA is everywhere!

    By Blogger notmercury, at 7:11 PM  

  • On a very loosely related subject, I just now found this editorial on the recent murders....


    I'm sadly overjoyed to read something that's not "Gee, those poor overworked parents"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:31 PM  

  • By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:31 PM  

  • Oh Lordy, what a beaut:

    Though I speak with the tongues of men and of sheep.....

    By Blogger Alyric, at 8:38 PM  

  • Beautiful. I don't think I've laughed this hard in ages.

    By Blogger Kassiane, at 10:09 PM  

  • Let's all meet at Temple Grandin and eat gluten free, casein free, soy free "cookies" after the service, shall we? We can take turns in the toy HBOT balloon. Extinguish the incense, before entering. Don't forget to take your bag of m&m's to reinforce your good behavior. We'll all wash the blue coating off our valtrex (tm) pills and swallow them with quarts of glutathione and camel milk. We'll all snort some B12 nasal spray, then our high DAN!ai lama will sprinkle us with Penta water on our way out. We'll all just be sooo normal then we'll have to pick a new obsession.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:43 AM  

  • Don't forget to put your puzzle ribbon car magnets on sideways and jesus fish-like too. Show your faith in the cause, while you cut some autism biomed pagan off on the road on your way to the homeopath. BAA BAA BAA!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:49 AM  

  • That was a *great* little skit! Nice to see it brought out 'fore skin's' real personality as well.

    By Blogger Redaspie, at 10:50 AM  

  • "Then I had religion, then I had a vision,
    I could not turn from their revel in derision.
    Then I saw the Congo, creeping throught the black,
    cutting throught the jungle with a golden track"

    Boomlay times three and the boom notwithstanding

    By Blogger laurentius rex, at 1:21 PM  

  • Eh?

    By Blogger Redaspie, at 7:30 PM  

  • Redaspie said: Eh?

    That's enough questions out of you...you...non-believer you!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:52 AM  

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